From 7 to 8
"There is nothing,
indeed, which God will not do for a man who dares to step
out upon what seems to be the mist; though as he puts down
his foot he finds a rock beneath him." F. B. Meyer
Others have asked how we, with a full house already, came
to the decision to adopt again from China. How did we
decide to grow our family from 7 children to 8? How did we
determine, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that we were to
step out on faith, again, to find our child in China? Let
me tell you... not without some serious anxiety, a few
tears, and lots of prayer! Here is our story, a
no-holds-barred, highly emotional and occasionally
dramatic account of how it all came to be. So consider
yourself forewarned ;) Our hope is that our story will be
an encouragement to those who are afraid to let go and let
God have His way in their lives. That it will be a
testimony to God's ability to do mighty things with the
most ordinary of people. With God, the undoable becomes
doable. And the impossible becomes possible. Even the
unthinkable becomes 'thinkable'...
September 9, 2007
What is wrong with me? I can't shake the sense that there
might be another child waiting for us in China. I've been
trying to sit on these feelings for weeks, but they are
just not going away. How can this be? It's impossible on
so many levels. Impossible. I've confessed my feelings to
Chris and we have been praying about it, me more-so than
Chris, I think. Chris is not diggin' the idea of being a
father of eight. Add that to all the other reasons this
would be such an impossible task and, well, it would be
something only He could do.
September 15, 2007
Uh oh. There is a little girl on HFC's most recent list
who I am so taken with. I find myself praying for her,
that God would give her the perfect family. I don't know
what God is going to do yet, but I do know that He is at
work in my heart.
Chris is adamant that we are not in a position to adopt
again right now. No time, no money, no energy. I can't
argue. But my heart is telling me something else. And I am
becoming more and more certain that it is God who is
telling me something else. Since Chris has promised me
that he is praying about this with an open heart, I am
confident that if it is God's plan, Chris will get the
message, too :)
September 16, 2007
Chris and I have spent the weekend touching on the pros
and cons of bringing home another child. Seems to be much
easier to think of the reasons not to. We're too busy.
We're stretched as it is. We are moving next year and have
no idea what is ahead for us. And on and on. It just
doesn't make sense to adopt again right now. But I can't
shake the feeling that maybe God's plan is different than
what makes the most sense. That seems to be the way He
works in our lives ;) And in my heart, I trust His plan
above mine. I know Chris does too. God will just need to
make it clear if He is ready for us to move forward.
Today was one of those days that made me think maybe I'm
not quite ready, unless He's ready for me to be ready.
Kids everywhere. An overpacked Odyssey brimming with juice
cups, spilled cereal and spots of unknown origin on the
carpet. Coughing, complaining, fevers and flushed cheeks,
all needing momma at the same time.
September 20, 2007
Yesterday AM Chris sent me an email with the subject line
"Your new car". Inside the body was a link to a (really
ugly) burgundy 12 pax van. I had to giggle, I thought it
was a pretty funny thought. Then suddenly I was gripped
with the tiny hope that this email was meant to be more
than a joke. Now I have spent the last 2 weeks hoping that
every time Chris called from work, he would utter those
words I was so hoping to hear: some form of "Let's go back
to China". I tried and tried to tell myself how foolish
that was, he certainly might never decide that he wanted
to adopt again. But I couldn't stop hoping that God might,
just might, plant the same seed in Chris' heart that He
had planted in mine. When Chris answered his phone I
casually giggled about the funny email..."ha ha, that's so
funny" and inside I am dying! "So, why did you send me
that link?" I say, trying to maintain any semblance of
being relaxed. He said "You'd better call and see if you
can get the file on that little girl." "Whaaaat??? Are you
KIDDING me?!" He went on to tell me that that morning,
after he was done working out and climbed into his car, he
wrestled with God. He was overcome with the reality that
God really does want us to open our hearts to another
child. He said that the realization of that made him sad,
that he would love to think that someday he and I will
finally have some couple time, something we've never had
in our almost-10 years together. He said he got misty
thinking about having to wait longer to have that 'alone'
time with me. Then he said he got over it and is ready to
get to the business of bringing home another baby. God, I
love that man.
September 22, 2007
Since Chris' momentous decision on Thursday, things have
continued, if not painfully slowly, to proceed in the
right direction. We are going to be bringing home another
child, our eighth child, God willing. WHOA. Suddenly, now
that Chris is in agreement with me, I'm a bit nervous. But
he seems very content with his decision to become a father
of eight! which gives me a great sense of peace.
We received Q's file on Thursday. Her file was somewhat
discouraging, there is much information that is simply not
there. As if someone hurriedly completed her paperwork and
forgot to mark the boxes. So we have questions about
reaching important milestones. Also, her measurements are
a bit concerning. What does this mean? I have absolutely
no idea. We are both praying that God makes it clear to us
one way or another. I was able to get Dr. Jenista to agree
to review her file and we are hoping to hear from her very
soon. Also, the agency has requested updated information
which we have reason to believe we will receive. So I feel
like we'll be able to make an informed decision, just have
no clue what it will be!
September 23, 2007
Great Sunday. Church, the sermon, the music... it all made
me feel encouraged. Encouraged to move forward, even
though I don't know exactly which direction we're headed
in. Encouraged even though I don't know how it's going to
turn out. Encouraged to trust God and know that in plenty
or in want, that He is going to take care of me, of all of
us. And encouraged that God is sovereign and He is
almighty and that He is ruler of ALL. So any fleeting or
momentary problem I have, my God is bigger, stronger and
better than it is :)
September 24, 2007
Heard from Dr. Jenista. Not great news. Evidently this
little one has either anemia, lead poisoning or a
thalessemia trait. None of which are good. She also has
not been properly vaccinated for HepB. Good chance she'll
never have sight in the affected eye and could have issues
with her good eye. Possible retardation/brain issues. All
sad stuff to hear. But I know Dr. Jenista is a realist.
It's her job to point out all the possibilities. Somehow,
hearing all this 'not so good' news is shaking me. Would
God want us to take this leap of faith without
confirmation that she was meant for us?
September 27, 2007
Today I am confused. I am trying, really trying, to hear
God's voice in all of this. Are we really supposed to
adopt again? Now? I am torn, confused. But Chris seems to
know. He's ready (albeit not terribly excitedly) to get
going. It's just hard because we don't yet know who we are paperchasing for. Waiting for. Praying for. Sometimes I
wonder if there even will be another. And if not, would
that be so terrible? It's like now that I know that Chris
is ready, I'm the one with cold feet. But then I 'tell'
myself that we'll just wait a bit and my heart starts to
ache again. I am trying to follow Chris' lead, which is
the right thing to do anyway, but he's not quite sure what
we should be doing. I've contacted Lifeline with no
success, tried to call CHSFS with no success, contacted a
few agencies about their kids with no success and we've
requested new info on Q with no success. I know that all
success comes from Him so I suppose I've just answered my
own question. HE will give us success when HE is ready. So
if I'm to wait on Him, which I should be doing in every
situation anyway, how do I do it? HOW?!?
September 30, 2007
I'm officially giving up. Giving in. Acquiescing. Allowing
God to have His way in every part of my life, including
this potential adoption. All signs seem to be leading to
this... it's the reality that I should already have known,
well before getting my heart so involved. But it's a good
thing. I had a mini revelation the other day while I was
driving. It was as if God was asking me: Do you want to
take this journey white knuckling the steering wheel the
whole way? Speeding up just to have to slow down? Passing
people like a crazy person and then worrying about being
pulled over by a cop? Knots in the pit of your stomach? Or
do you want to enjoy it? Check out the scenery? Revel in
the time spent with your family? Stop and smell the roses
along the way? Actually enjoy the process and not worry so
much about how quickly you get there?
So here I am. Turning my steering wheel over to God. If I
search deep down to where I really feel anxious about
bringing home another, like I have to hurry, hurry,
hurry... I find that I am not trusting Him. Not totally
sure that He is going to do this for us. Not totally sure
that He wants us to do this for us. In reality, in the
light of day, I KNOW I do not want anything in my life
that He doesn't want for us. So by searching my heart, I
hope and pray that I will be able to calm that
scared/anxious momma heart and just be able to wait on
Him. Trust in Him. Certainly, if He wants it, it will come
to pass.
October 19, 2007
Geesh... so much has happened, I really dread starting
this, but it has to be done and Chris is working tonight
so I suppose I'll just jump right on in.
I have really been struggling with feeling anxious about a
baby, our baby, that might be in China, waiting for us. It
makes me nervous, anxious and basically want to do
something... NOW. The flip side of me wants to run,
screaming from the room everytime I seriously consider
what would have to happen for us to adopt again. And then
you have all the familial changes... financial, emotional
stress... more laundry, less free time... WHAT ARE WE
THINKING!?!? But no matter how hard I try, I can't make my
heart feel settled, peaceful. I have really been trying
(and succeeding if I do say so myself!) to let Chris set
the pace. We agreed that we would wait on starting the homestudy.. wait on a confirmation of some kind. When we
went to get fingerprinted for Jude's readoption on
Wednesday, I asked him if he wanted me to bring the
fingerprint cards for our new HS agency. Surprisingly, he
said yes. So we got those done, but decided to wait to
send them off. Then I asked him if he wanted me to call
some agencies to get a feel for who was open to asking
CCAA for family size waivers. Surprisingly, again, he said
yes. On Thursday we received some updated info on Q, all
good news as she really seems to have grown and is hitting
some milestones, I was so happy to hear she is doing well!
But as the days have passed, neither of us feels a sense
that she is meant to be ours. As much as it hurts my heart
to NOT be able to say 'yes' to this little girl, I know
that God's plan would not be fulfilled if I followed my
plan.
The next day I received a lot of info, lists, passwords,
phone calls from several agencies I had contacted. In the
midst of all this another agency calls. As we talked I
asked about their newest list.. how many kids? Five?!
Geesh... such a small list. I figured that most of them
had families already. She said that only one had been
referred and their agency policy had no preference for any
particular family, whoever stepped forward first was able
to pursue that child. By the time we got off I figured I'd
have a quick look-see.
Oh my. The first little one that popped up on the screen
was so cute! And surprisingly, a boy! 18 months. Repaired
ASD/VSD. No family was reviewing his file. This kid has
the sweetest face! I request and receive his file and he
just gets cuter. File looks encouraging, healthy since his
surgery, good height/weight and is hitting milestones on
time. Geesh! Talk about confusing!! I call Chris at work
and tell him about 'a little boy' and don't get much in
terms of a response. Poor guy, what is he supposed to say?
Once he finally gets home he looks over the file. I
explain that we first have to have his file reviewed by a
qualified doc and ask him if he wants me to send the file
to Dr. Jenista, he says 'yes'! Dear Lord, PLEASE give us
some guidance!!
October 20, 2007
It's been a really long day. Long because of the fact that
I am consciously aware that we are deep in the decision
making process. Serious, serious business. I am also
acutely aware that this decision is not my own. I am
determined to follow Chris' lead and let him be the one to
decide what direction our family should take. And that's
not easy. I want to tell him all the reasons we should
bring home this little boy, but I know that won't help him
make his decision. He needs to work it out in his way. We
heard from Dr. Jenista today. Almost all good news
(amazingly!) this little guy sounds like he's really quite
healthy. I found myself wanting to hear only good things
and immediately minimizing any potential 'red flags' she
pointed out: smallish head size, small possiblity of
damage to the lungs due to his PH. But I made sure to
write it all down, document everything, so that I would be
an unbiased messenger when I told Chris about our
conversation. When I think about adopting another child my
stomach hurts. And not in a good way. Paperchase,
worrying, counting down days, bills, stress. But when I
see his face, all those worries melt away and I can't help
but smile. He's just absolutely adorable! But does that
make him our son? We are praying that God will show us,
without doubt, if this child is meant to be a part of our
family. That He would unite us on this monumental
decision. But one thing has become crystal clear through
these days of discussing, praying, seeking His will... if
this child isn't ours, we're both sure that there IS a
child out there meant for us.
October 23, 2007
It was a slow realization, one I didn't want to accept
until it hit me smack in the face. This sweet boy isn't
going to be ours. Chris just is not feeling like this
child is our son. And no matter how shallow that sounds to
him or to me!, it's reality. He is adorable. Handsome, in
fact. His SN is a need we are comfortable with. He's
relatively healthy. But he is not to be ours. Where does
that leave me? Well, both sad and thrilled at the same
time. Sad for the obvious reasons, but thrilled for much
bigger ones. Through this God has confirmed in both Chris'
and my heart that we DO have a child out there meant for
us. We also have opened our hearts, again, to a little
boy. I had really been thinking girl. Wanting a girl. But
through this time, talking to agencies, looking at lists,
reading stories of abandonment of boys vs. girls, healthy
vs. special needs... it became haltingly clear: boys are
the unwanted, especially the boys with special needs. They
are the undesirables. I have no idea why. I do know when
we started the adoption process in 2005 we were both sure
we were going for a girl. But we had reason: three crazy
boys already at home! But since we've brought Jude home,
for the life of me, I can't understand why girls are
preferred by the adoption community by such a wide margin.
So now that we (well, I say 'we', but Chris was open to a
boy all along) are open to a boy, we're both starting to
get excited. The kind of excitement that only God can
inspire. He is definitely at work and it's just a matter
of time before we get to see just what He has planned!
October 26, 2007
We got "THE CALL"!!!! Actually, it was "THE EMAIL", but
the 'call' sounds so more like what it felt like. Karla
emailed me early in the month just to check in on us, to
see how things were going. Since then we've been emailing
here and there. On Wednesday night Chris and I filled out
a SN checklist for Lifeline, needs we would say "yes" to
and needs we would consider. On it we also stated that we
would accept either gender and that we wanted the child to
be less than 18 months at referral. Karla had said that
she didn't think there were any new children that had not
already been 'pre-matched' that fit our parameters, and we
were fine with that. Yesterday I emailed her asking when
the new list would be posted, I was excited to see all the
new adorable faces! She replied that it should be up
sometime early next week. I was thinking about how amazing
it would be to get an email from Karla, sending us a
file... then I reminded myself that things NEVER turn out
like you imagine ;) Well, this time they DID! Karla
emailed me while the kids and I were at Isabelle's Fall
Festival. "Can you call me when you have a minute?" I
don't think she had finished pushing 'send' on that email
when her phone rang. Of course, I was HOPING for news...
they had a baby for us to consider, but like I always tell
myself.. things never happen like we imagine. Then she
said it. "We have a little boy. And he is little. Not even
a year. His special need is clubfeet." Okayyyy, I'm a
goner. She asked if I wanted her to email his info. "Uhhhh,
yes..." I manage. I can't think straight. Suddenly all I
can think about is hitting 'refresh' on my email account.
Again. Again. No email. Don't want to leave the computer.
Refresh. Oh yea! I have to call Chris! Call Chris! Okay,
I'll call Chris. When I tell him that Lifeline called with
a referral he laughed. "Oh really?" almost knowingly. I
think he did know. Just yesterday I asked him what he
would do if Lifeline called. He and I both feel very
strongly about Lifeline. They are a Christian agency,
completely concerned with the children. As it should be.
They also know us. And if they match us with a child, that
carries a lot of weight. A LOT. And I know how seriously
they take their jobs of creating families. He said to call
him back in 10 minutes, after I forwarded him the email
from Karla. FINALLY I got the email. I was sweaty. Nervous
that I might not like what I saw. I know, it's totally
superficial. Totally. But that was what I was thinking. I
prayed that God would give both Chris and I a peace about
it if this was our son. I prayed that He would give us
wisdom and discernment. And then it was time. I insisted
that Chris see him first... I was so afraid! Chris said,
"Oh, Stefanie.... you are going to be in looovvvveee." And
he was right. As soon as we both saw his face, we knew. He
WAS our son. Absolutely beautiful. Happy and laughing.
Perfect. Thank You God for granting the desires of my
heart. All the way down to the superficial ones.
October 27, 2007
I'm kinda freaking. It just seems too good to be true. He
is SO perfect. Perfect for our family, perfect for a
little brother for Jude. Just plain perfect. Why do I
doubt that God wants to place a 'perfect' child in our
home? Why was I so prepared to have to make concessions
when we found our child? Do I doubt that God's plan IS
PERFECT?
Thank You so much, Lord. For Your perfect plan. Please
help me not to doubt when You are at work. Please don't
allow doubt and unbelief seep in and steal my joy.
I got teary last night when I logged onto the bank account
and saw that FINALLY, after close to six months, we
received the $2000 reimbursement from Chris' work for
Sophie's adoption. AND we sold Chris' car yesterday. All
in one day. All on the day we received the referral of our
perfect son.
Is God at work here? You better believe it.
October 30, 2007
Now we are waiting to hear from Lily. She is going to
contact CCAA to ask, preliminarily, if we can proceed with
the paperwork to bring Guan YuanYang home. Suddenly, just
the thought of them saying "no" makes my heart hurt! I
truly feel like this referral was at God's hand, that He
orchestrated it all from the beginning. Wanting to adopt,
my heart (again) melting to a boy instead of a girl, Chris
feeling pulled to adopt again, Lifeline, PRECIOUS boy with
clubfoot, of all needs, it has God's fingerprints all over
it. If this were someone else, waiting, I would tell them,
"Have faith! God brought you this child, He is going to
bring His plan to fruition!" But BEING in this position,
well, it's much different. It's hard to be so confident.
And just knowing that I am lacking confidence in the very
thing I believe is God orchestrating, is unsettling. I
KNOW God. And He never changes. He is just. He is
merciful. He is loving. So why do I suddenly doubt? Maybe
I fear that I 'heard' God wrong? Or that He would have our
journey be more of a roller coaster than smooth sailing?
I just pray that through this, through every moment of
doubt I ever have, that I remember that God has and always
will be there for me. For my family. And that when He
starts something, He finishes it.
P.S. God, can You PLEASE let CCAA say "YES!"?
October 31, 2007
Oh my. That was the longest wait I've had to endure in a
long time. Karla finally called to tell us that Lily said
"There shouldn't be any problems!" YIPPPEEEEE!! Of course,
upon hearing this news I start blubbering on to Karla
about how thankful we are that they thought of us as this
little man's family and how God is so gracious.. All true,
but I must have sounded like a blathering idiot. Oh well,
he's worth it :)
So now we get a MOVE ON! We will start paperchasing like
crazy and try to get our dossier done in less than three
months from today! That is my goal, God willing :) Today
is our first HS visit. We've sent off our fingerprint
cards to the Georgia Crime lab and our application to
Cradle of Love is complete. I need to get the application
off the Lifeline site and complete it and send it in with
a check for $250. Also need to order birth certificates
and our marriage certificate. Geesh, feels like I've done
all this before....
BRING IT ON!!!
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