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Sunday, June 1,
2008
This post is dedicated to “Mrs. C and the Boones Creek clan”…it
will prob. Be the longest post of the trip…and the most emotional!
Hmmmm….well today started at 4 AM…woke up wide awake wondering why
the sky line was still dark. I walked into the joining room…my
parents room…and they were sound asleep. I felt like a child at
Christmas…WHY IS EVERYONE STILL ASLEEP?????
I played on the internet…but not really in a mood to talk to anyone.
I flipped through channels…knowing good well that I wouldn’t land on
anything worth grabbing my attention. I paced the room….and then
found myself nestled against the window ledge with my face pressed
against the cold window…watching for any movement…
I let my eyes stretch as far as they could reach….trying to see as
far into Taiwan as I could. For such a big city…I was surprised that
there was not as much going on…even at this hour. I remember taking
a trip to New York city in September with my parents and looking
down late at night from our room window and seeing all the people
running around….that city truly doesn’t sleep!!!
There were a few scattered people here and there…but truly not as
many as you would think…and mostly people who were supposed to be
there…cops and workers…but not people just wondering about…people
just strolling through the sidewalks…people with no where to go in
any hurry…people…like me. Everyone had a purpose…a place to
be…someone to see…something to get done. Today…I just needed to get
through it….and it started way to early….it was going to be yet
another long day.
The plan today was to sit back and simply get through it. How could,
after all this waiting…years…., one day be so hard??? I have made it
through…1200 days….how could this one day almost break me???? You
know…work with me here….you know when you see someone running a
marathon…or you see them working so hard towards something….they
make it through so many obstacles and they are so close…they can see
the finish line….then all of the sudden they are only feet away and
they collapse….you cringe for them…you start screaming out loud…
“GET UP!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!” You can’t understand why now of all
times with all that they have gone through that they could fall
short….
Well…today….I fell. I guess I should say I “tripped”. My “water boy”
has been absent in the past few miles (bruce) my cheer leader…my
coach. I have had to go these past few miles with only the echoes of
him telling me I can do this. This morning in the darkness…I doubted
myself….my strength….
I questioned myself… “He will hate me….he will reject me…he will
never forgive me for taking him away from this amazing place. He
will look at me and never see the love….” How could I look him in
the face….how could I look at the birth mother and smile and say its
going to be ok….how can I be the strong one???? WHO IS GOING TO TELL
ME ITS GOING TO BE OK??????
Alone in my room…alone on the road….I fell. I looked around and saw
Katie…telling me “Linda you are going to be a wonderful mother….you
can do it…” I heard Danielle saying “Linda….it will never be
easy…and nothing else in this world will ever be more sweeter than
the love of your child.” I saw Little T…telling me “Linda he will
love you always…go get your son!” I heard Andrea, “Linda, its
ok…lean on me…I will walk beside you in my heart…you will not go
alone….” I heard Kim, “Linda, its going to be ok….trust yourself…it
will come to you…and everything will be alright.” I saw Susan C.
reaching her hand out to pull me up…. “Linda I am here for you…you
are not alone…this will be tough at times….but he needs you and you
need him…just take one step towards one another…and soon you will
reach your son.” I heard Debbie and Will and David…. “Linda this is
what its about…put your doubts aside and do what you have been
waiting to do for all these years….be the mother to him that he
needs…not that he wants….believe in the love you feel….it is
real!!!” I saw my parents “Linda its ok….you know more than you
think you do…you will be able to sense his needs more than
anyone…trust yourself….you are not waiting to become his mother…you
already are!” I hear Mildred…”Trust in God…He will be with you every
step of the way…have faith.” And finally…the words from my coach….
“Linda you have always questioned yourself…but you cant’ question
your love for this child….you know his initial rejection is not a
rejection of you but of the circumstances….you know you have a job
to protect him and make him feel safe….you have a job to ensure that
he knows he is loved unconditionally and that whom ever he becomes
in this world…he will always be your one and only.”
You know you are his mother…and that you can’t do that if you don’t
get up and face what maybe the hardest test of
motherhood…questioning your right to motherhood….but he needs
you…and that supersedes everything else. In the end it is not the
title of mother…and its not blood versus paper…its having the
blessed opportunity to help a child feel valued and loved in this
world….providing a place that they can always come to and know they
will be ok…its listening and forgiving….its laughing and
scolding…its being there even when they think they don’t’ need
you…its giving up everything without question…. I love this child
more than anything I have ever loved in my life…and I LOVE A
LOT!!!!!!! I am getting up and getting my son in the morning…and I
am going to feel whatever I feel and it will be all over the place…I
am who I am…but at the end of the day…tears and what not…I will have
my son…safe…in my arms…where he belongs.
So why did I share those intimate thoughts…because for years I have
read other people’s blogs and experiences…and not to say that there
was anything at all wrong with them…its just everything was always
“perfect”. Not really any problems…no doubts…no issues. Well I
wanted to be honest…I was scared…so scared I was ashamed of the
thoughts. This is the happiest day of my life…and also the most
difficult. I am stressed beyond belief…I love him so much already I
don’t want to see him hurting…I don’t want to be the “cause” of his
hurt. I have never changed a diaper….I have never fed a child….I
could go on….just all the things that make you doubt yourself…. But
with all that it doesn’t mean I don’t want him or that I cant’ do
it…it just means I love him that much that I can admit I am not
perfect…and with all that he is going through…I just want to do all
I can to protect him. Mommy instincts don’t necessarily come once
they are in your arms…some times they come way before…
So…I still have the whole day left…a day I had planned to just lay
low. After freaking out…I looked outside and all the sudden the sun
was coming up…people were headed in every direction…life was waking
up and moving on with their day….and so I needed to as well. My
parents woke up…we showered…had our breakfast…(oh so fabulous)…and
they asked if I wanted to join them at the Jade Market again…I
thought about saying no…but I went and I am so glad I did. I
relaxed…and was able to come back to the room and get it ready for
Rudd. I had a clear mind…and an open heart. I was able to get the
foster families gifts together and wrapped…and compose a letter to
them. I have done all I can do to prepare for this day…all I can do
at this point is….show up…open my arms…and never let go!!!
I am more ready than ever…tomorrow I begin the most important role
of my life…motherhood… ;-)
Bruce…I will carry you in my heart…I miss you and love you…but I am
going to be ok…We love you so much…you are my happiness!!!!
~Linda |
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